Thank You for Choosing American Airlines

 

fly

I recently made the trip from Canada to the Dominican Republic, which always ends up being over 24 hours and makes me lose faith in humanity. Humans have the mental capacity to figure out how to get a 400-tonne metal cylinder into the air, but they consistently fail at the most mundane tasks in the airline business.

Now, following that bleak introduction, I’m going to be doing a lot more complaining in this blog post. If you don’t like whiny travellers, go read reviews about Lufthansa. I unfortunately travelled on American Airlines, so prepare yourselves for a shit-storm of bitching.

  1. You know the “random” security check that you see people go through? Their boarding tickets are marked with “SSSS” when they’re printed out, and the process is most definitely not random. I know this because I am always one of the people who is randomly checked. I can almost see the thought process behind the decision: Moroccan first name, Danish last name, Dominican, making a yearly trip home from Canada? She must be transporting crazy amounts of cocaine. This bitch is totally getting special security checked.
  2. Crying babies. The probability of me committing infanticide increases tenfold every time a baby and I board the same airplane.
  3. American Airlines has stopped handing out their salty pretzels, so their mid-flight beverage handout is the highlight of my trip (other than discovering all the things I never knew I needed up until I opened SkyMall magazine). The problem is, I have a habit of falling asleep for the brief half hour that they spend rolling their Coca Cola carts down the aisles.

Now, for some less generalized complaints, we had some spotty weather in Dallas when we were supposed to be taking off for Miami. To avoid this, our plane was given a new flying course before we took off, but somehow, nobody thought it’d be a good idea to fill up the plane’s tank with enough fuel to make it to Miami. We ended up refueling in Tampa, at which point the pilot thought it was necessary to repeat, several times, “Please do NOT leave the aircraft.”

Why the fuck would anyone want to leave the plane? None of us wanted to be in Tampa in the first place!!

Thanks to the lack of sleep and food, people making long trips (such as my brother and I) end up entering airline-induced craziness by the end of it. By the time we got out of the airport in Miami to try and find a hotel to stay at for the night, we were very hungry and not very sane. We ended up sitting in a 24-hour IHOP at 1.30 a.m., where we requested crayons and proceeded to steal place mats from other tables to colour on. I’m pretty sure the waitress thought we were on something, so she just let us do our thing.

To make a long story short, don’t fly American Airlines. Also, if you decide that you really need to give birth to a screaming gremlin of a human being, please take responsibility for your actions and stay off all flights for the next five years to keep other passengers from wondering how to kill your baby by using their complimentary puke bag.